Well, I have been really busy since I started this blog and I haven't had as much time as I would like to keep up with it. The funny thing is that I NEVER used to busy at all. That is because I didn't do anything all day long but sit and watch tv and interact with my kids. Now, I am trying to keep the house clean, the laundry done and put away, dinner planned, purchased and prepared, keep the finances in order, raise the kids, help with homework, bathe them, brush their teeth...and after ALL that, take some time for me -- exercise, shower, ect. Of course, somehow I always end up last on the list. There just isn't enough time in each day to keep up with everything I need and want to do. I am really frustrated by this. But, really just being frustrated doesn't change anything. I am going to have to learn how to manage it. I believe this will take some serious time. I have a hard time being patient. But, I am learning.

One thing I am not so patient about is loosing my weight. Last time I wrote I had lost 12 pounds, now I am down 17 pounds!!!!!!! The problem is, I want it all gone (all the weight) RIGHT now! But I am learning to just keep on plugging away at it, and before I know it, I will have lost all my weight. I am just soooo looking forward to my new body. I can already see some difference, mostly in my face. I had really started to not look like me because my face looked like someone had pumped it full of air.

Anyway...yesterday, Oprah was about women who had let themselves go. I was very interested in the show because I feel that I have done that. Luckily, I am trying real hard to break away from it and watching that show helped. I could totally see myself in the women she had on the show. She gave us an assignment -- to answer the question, Who Am I? and to go deeper than, mother, wife, etc. For some reason this is really hard. So, who am I? Ya know what is interesting is that I am totally different depending on who I am with. So, that makes me really wonder who am I really? Am I the person that I am with my husband, or with my friends, what about with my parents and siblings (2 brothers and a sister). I realize I have different levels of comfort with different people. The person I like the least is who I am with my husband. I am very selfish and bossy. For some reason he loves me and I don't know how he can continue to be so good to me. Anyway, sometimes I think I am truly being myself with him because I feel the safety to be what is really on the inside because he is my husband and he is not going anywhere. I know he will love me no matter how ugly I am. But then I realize that I cannot share my heart with him. He doesn't really know what is going on in my emotions. I don't talk to him about how I feel. I talk to him about the bills, the kids, how I want him to pick his clothes up off the floor in our bedroom and keep his shoes out of the living room. I let him talk a lot about work and all the random stories that come through his mind. Why can't I share my feelings with him. I can totally open up with my friends -- basically I am an open book, I hold nothing back. But, I can't do this with Tim. This bothers me. It also makes me realize I am not truly being myself with him. If I was, then he would hear about my thoughts and feelings because that is part of who I am. I am a very emotional person and I like to talk through my feelings. It is almost like I morph into someone different when he walks through the door. I can say for sure that I do not like to feel vulnerable around him. I need to feel like I am in control of the relationship. As I am typing this out I am realizing that this is not healthy. It is something I want to work on.

So, now I am aware that I change with each person I encounter. It depends on what level of comfort I feel with them. I want to just be who I am with anyone I encounter. Is this possible? Or is it normal to protect yourself when with different people -- to not show all of yourself if you are not comfortable. I don't know. This is something I am going to ponder.

So, tomorrow I leave for New Jersey. My brother and his wife live there and they just had a baby about a month ago. My sister and I are flying out tomorrow and will be gone a week. I am very excited about it. This is the first time I will have been away from my kids for an extended period of time. Will I enjoy my time away or will I feel guilty and miss them the whole time? We will see! This will definitely give me some time to think!

I will write when I return from my trip!

Mood:  a-ok
It is rest time and I am getting some peace and quiet! This is possibly my favorite time of day. I am happy to get a chance to reflect on things and write some of my story. It isn't really like a book story, but -- just the story of my life unfolding each day. More than anything, I am writing for myself, so I can look back and see how I have grown over time. I enjoy reading other people's journals and blogs, therefore I am opening up mine for others to enjoy. That sounds funny to me because it is hard for me to imagine that anyone would find any pleasure reading about my oh so boring life, but what the heck -- you never know.

So, a few weeks ago -- actually about a month and a half ago -- I reached some kind of high point emotionally. I decided I was tired of being unhappy with the way I was living my life. I had this energy and motivation to change. First of all, I am overweight. I have been overweight since I had my 2nd child. It has just been getting worse and worse since then. I have been so overwhelmed with just maintaining regular everyday living and keeping my kids alive, that I just couldn't worry about my weight. Which I think is totally fine. I am not angry with myself for putting it on the back burner, and focusing on my family. I also have just become so unorganized and have come to feel like my life is out of control. My house was/is just a wreck almost all the time. These past five years I feel like I have just been in a "walking coma". It is like I have been alive, but just barely. It has been too much to sustain my childrens emotional and physical needs, much less mine and my husbands.

All that to say, I am ready to take back my life. I WANT order. I WANT to feel beautiful again. I WANT ME BACK!!!! So, like I said, about a month and a half ago, I had this intense motivation to change myself for the better. Not really change me -- who I am deep down, but to get to being the best me possible. I have done really well so far. I have lost 12 pounds and feel really good about that. I have about 50 - 60 pounds left to lose. I have also been diligent getting my home in order and try to maintain that. BUT, then about 2 weeks ago, I just hit a low point. I felt sort-of depressed, but not about anything in particular. I felt like there was a cloud hanging over me and I just couldn't rise above it. Of course, my chores slipped and my house started looking crappy again. Also, I just felt SOOOO tired. I was just overcome with how exhausted I felt. I was sooo frustrated, because I was still unhappy with the me I had become and wanted in the deepest part of me to become a better version of me. BUT, I felt too tired and foggy to do anything to make that happen.

In the middle of all this, I did have my period, but usually with the start of my period I feel some emotional relief. I didn't, I just still felt yuck! Anyway, I have decided that it has to be hormones. I can't think of anything else.

As for today, I feel better. I think the fog began to lift yesterday. I was able to clean my whole house and get some order back. That made me feel even better. I just wish I didn't have to get off track like I was for 2 weeks. But, I am thinking this is something I am going to have to learn to deal with. As I look over the last several years of my life, I do go in cycles. I often feel like I am a slave to my moods. I wish I could take control of my moods and say, "Hey, you are not in charge here, I am and we are going to stay on track!!! We are not going to sink down into yuck-dome, we are going to stay focused on our goal of a better Collyn" It just isn't that easy though when you are right in the middle of that crappy mood.

So, I feel good today! I feel a renewed desire to be the best I can be. I feel peaceful and relaxed, like things are under control. This is a great feeling and I wish I could have it every day, though I know that is not possible. Well, I think I have written enough for right now. I think I might go work on some laundry.

First time!!
Mood:  happy
Topic: introducing myself
I think this blogging might take some getting used to, but I am so excited to get started!! So, here goes...

In case anyone is reading, I think I should give some info on who I am. I am 31 years old, married with 3 children. I am a stay-at-home mom during the week and have a part-time job on the weekend. Even though I am not CRAZY about having a job, it helps me not feel so stir crazy when I am at home with my kids. Oh, my kids are 7, 5 and 3 years old. Kendall is my oldest and she is a girl. She is in 2nd grade and is a TOTAL hand full! I love her to pieces--of course. Kolson is my 5 year old son and he just started the pre-k program at the public school. He is brilliant and my easiest child. Kaelan is my baby boy. Even though he is 3, he will always be my baby!! He is quite the ham, and loves to entertain anyone that comes by. He has me wrapped around his little finger. Then, of course there is Tim, my husband. He is a precious man, who I couldn't live without. We have been married for 5 years, and I couldn't have asked for a better mate. I tried putting in a picture of our family, but it turned out WAY too big. I will have to look into that more.

There is so much to talk about and I can't wait to get started. But, I do have housework to do. Things are a wreck around here. Later I will delve into all the crap in my life that keeps me from being the mom and wife that I want to be. I also am working really hard at changing the things I don't like about the way I have been living my life for the last 4-5 years. Being married with children has totally changed me--some for the better and a lot for the worse!

Anyway...I'll be back! Collyn